The wonderful Snoo and Me has been revealing some extraordinary lies that her frankly worm-sounding ex spun, and has invited us all to join in the fun in fibs that we have been told. Although these are not terrifically juicy, here I some I have dug up that I have been told and told myself in the past, that range from the ridiculous to the obvious, yet still annoying.
1. My school friend Jenny: "I once ran over a cow in a combine harvester"
Yes, you read that right. And she wanted us all to believe her. The last time I saw her, a few years ago, she was still swearing blind that this was true. Although the combine harvester had changed to tractor. I really wish that I could remember some of the other beauties that she came out with, but she was one of those people that compulsively made things up to be the centre of attention. This was her signature fib though. After leaving school, we both went to the same art college but quickly drifted apart. A few weeks in, I overheard a conversation in the union bar, "I met this proper rad girl. Ran over a cow in a combine harvester she said...." "Noooooo mate?! Really?!" "Yeah, hard as nails."
2. Christian preacher Tilly "And then his leg just grew!"
When in sixth form, I went a Catholic school as they had an outstanding art department that rivalled the nearby art college. They all were nutters as well, I discovered. All the teachers were Irish and resembled characters out of Father Ted and were headed up by Sister Mary, an elderly nun who liked betting on horse races, and rumour had it, gin in bucketloads. She eventually eloped with the deputy headmaster. Due to the religious underlay of the school, there were some people who took church very seriously. I don't mean to poke fun at religious people at all, but unfortunately one such character was Tilly, a girl otherwise of very little brain. Apparently, her local church group regularly performed miracles in the community at prayer sessions which included "curing" someone from having 20/20 vision and growing the leg of a man with uneven pins.
3. Me, mixing up names.
Not technically a lie, but still a bit naughty. My parents had very strong opinions on who I should or should not be spending time with. They were very apprehensive about things that I had relayed about my first boyfriend, before he became my boyfriend. When he asked 15 year old me out on a date to see a gig at the local town, I had no way of going without a kindly lift from my parents. I knew they would say no if I told them who I was meeting, so I gave him a new name. This worked very well until we had been together a few months and they were curious to meet him. They were still under false pretences as to his real identity and eventually I had to come clean. They luckily found my charade quite funny, although he did not when my dad insisted on deliberately calling him the wrong name for pretty much the entire duration of our relationship. It didn't help that I had accidentally chosen to pick the name of one of his friend's whom he was already a bit jealous of. Whoops.
4."I've got to go back on check on my brother's dying chinchilla."
He swore it was the truth; a line spun by a boy I was seeing whilst at university. We met for a cultural day out round an art gallery and after lunch, he pleaded that we go back to his house where his parents were conveniently away. Said chinchilla looked remarkably chipper, but apparently it was necessary we stayed to make sure it was ok. Although it was fine to raid the spirits cabinet and get ratted and then ignore the dying pet. It might actually have been a little ill though, as on his family's return, his brother was not best pleased at the state of his (neglected) pet and punched him on the nose.
5. "He's not that sort of guy. He wouldn't sleep with a girl unless he thought she could be The One."
A line, I am ashamed to say I fell for, told to me by Wriggles' father's best friend. Not extraordinary in the least, as I'm sure it is one heard up and down the country since the beginning of time. I clung onto this after he stopped returning my calls after we had saw each other for a little while. It soon became apparent that the impeccable manners his friend was alluding to were a wee bit fabricated. There is nothing wrong with admitting you were wrong and your date is not The One, but a gentleman could at least pass on that information. Unfortunately the next time we met, I had recently given birth, and to his (slight) credit, he was very shamefaced. I hope his friend was too!