M m m m m m m m m mmmmmmmmmmm

In style of Sesame Street, today's bletherings are brought to you by the letter "m"!

Yes, hold your horses, Wriggles has finally got round to being able to babble "mmmm mmm mm". I am very excited. For a long time she didn't really vocalise apart from the good old fashioned "waaaaaaaaaaa!!". Then came a bizarre phase where she sounded like a goose. All day, there came a "honk honk hooonk honk" from wherever I had placed her. It truly was odd. One day all my best laid childcare arrangements fell through (and plans B, C, D, Y and Z) and she had to sneak into work with me. Luckily boss lady was away and it was just myself, Goosey Gander and my lovely marketing colleague. Being a theatre company we have plenty of bonkers props lying around the office (glittery chameleon, motorcycle helmet, furry handcuffs, rabbit water bottle...) and one such prop was a bag a toy ducks that made a noise when pressed. So Wriggles laid under an improvised baby gym and had a ball whilst the two adults present set off the quacking ducks which elicited more honking... Best day at work ever!

The honking diversified into dolphin like clicks and I began to wonder if I had sung too many versions of Old Macdonald or if she had been exposed to an excess of Richard Attenbrough as a Very Tiny Baby. Eventually the traditional "b", "da", "p" and raspberries entered the menagerie. I felt quite left out. Where was my "m"? I was only the bloody one that looked after her all day, every day, got up at the crack of dawn, played with her and had consigned all ex-favourite clothes to being sick rags! But now all is ok. I'm not overly convinced the "mmm" is an imminent version of "mummy" but I am going to pretend otherwise. Likewise, her childminder is also playing this game. When I went to pick her up yesterday, Wriggles was in the buggy "mmm mmmmm mmm mm mmmm"ing for Britain and our childminder excitedly pointed this out and decided it was an greeting of "mummy!! Where have you been!". I do sometimes need these things pointing out. I don't know if it is me or the PTSD which arose after the PICU admission (of which I will blog on at another date. It's not a picnic so I won't waffle on!) but I can be blind to her affection towards me. Other achievements I pick out hawk-eyed, but I have always had a nagging doubt that whilst I have bonded with her, she is longing to be bonded to a more competent mummy. I'm pretty sure, at least on a rational day, that babies do not have this thought process. I don't think being sociable implies a dislike or indifference of the Main Person in your life. But I just can't quite finally kick the habit of doubting myself in this area. I know it's probably ridiculous, but then again mental inflictions are not renowned for being full of sense.

Today she looked actively excited when I came to pick her up which has put me in an excellent mood. Even better, I am now finished work for the week so have three whole days off. Hooray! We have a physio appointment tomorrow and one of our adventures in the morning. Finally at the grand age of Wriggles being 1 we have started tentatively doing mummy and baby activities. Again dear old PTSD rendered me a social wreck for months, plus on the days I was not at work, Wriggles was sickening for something/sick/I had been up all night with a coughy baby and we were both knackered. Now she is managing more weeks at a time before having a blip, I had made a non-new-year resolution and decided I was going to go to something and even if I went the whole thing jibbering in the corner, I would keep going. So on Tuesdays and Fridays we go to baby classes and do singing and signing. Having an activity pacifies me (as opposed to floundering like a stunned fish in a directionless group where all the best mummy friends yap together, a snotty terror steals the best toy and everyone else, adults included, grizzle until the end when you can down your basics-instant coffee and run for the hills), Wriggles gets to poke the eyes out of other babies and get walloped on the head in return, such fun! I have even had some genuine conversations with people, which turn out to be not as terrifying as envisaged. Onwards and upwards, eh.....